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It’s Just Her

“I think we should break up.”

“We should chase dreams on our own.”

“I need to learn to love myself before anybody else”

“I have a hard time trusting because my past is a mess.”

“You deserve so much better than me.”

Sound familiar? These were all said by her. It normally goes this way. Heres what was said the few days after one of the previous lines were used.

“I couldn’t do this without you.”

“You are perfect for me.”

“Why do you spoil me so much?”

“If you keep this up, Im gonna end up marrying you.”

“I love you.”

I love you… I hesitated to say it the first time. I was scared, I was excited, I was nervous, I felt like a kid. I still get butterflies when I think about you. Almost as if we were just starting out.

Lets go back a little ways. When we first started dating, or even before. You supported what I was doing. You were happy to see me doing what I did. You liked me for who I was. You flirted, you were romantic, fun, energetic, life-giving, you were perfect… You had changed.

I miss the 2am phone calls just to hear your voice; calming the waves of my mind as if you were the voice of Poseidon controlling my minds ocean. I miss hearing the smile I verbally placed across your face signifying the ease of your thoughts as we let ourselves unfold into eachother over the phone. I miss the late night conversations we had as if displaying the perfect movie above us, starring as ourselves that always had a happy ending.

I miss her. I miss the kids. I miss the lives we planned out so many times. All of them. I miss doing late night laundry; at least then I knew you were ok, and the kids were ok. I miss your habits, your actions, your relentless attitude of keeping me in line, your overbearing power to take care of me in the little ways. Your endless jabs that never turned into arguments, just playful banter. I miss the taste of your presence, the curve on your lips when you smiled at me being there, the bounce in your steps when you were happy! That beautiful smile, the feel of your kiss on my lips, your head on my chest, The smell of you while you slept reminds me of a peaceful place I used to call home. Any house without that isnt a home.

I fucking miss her. My life misses her. I loved her.

An End to Begin

“You should invest everything you have into this house, keep payments low, and live there…” she said. “I dont want to keep holding you back.”

At the time, I was living with someone special, who I gave my maximum effort to. Someone I believed had amazing potential; someone I sacrificed my goals I havent started on, to help her accomplish her half-way-there goals. She was my goal, and a future with her was my dream.

Throughout time, we have hit roller coasters, reaching new highs at the peak, and faced scary drops towards rock bottom. Most of the highs involved ‘baby names’ or a new ‘family home’… Or even “where should we honeymoon to?” Alternately, the low points were numerous occasions of “this isnt going to last much longer”, or the heart-ache of “I think we’re better off seperated.” Or even the dreaded “you’re too good for me, i dont deserve you.”

Around the 6th or 7th time of “Dont expect this to last forever,” I can confidently say that it was the last time I wanted to hear it. The mind games, the emotional rocket ship reaching for the stars has come crashing to earth far too often for me to wait in line for another trip. I replied with “I can live elsewhere if that what you want, I dont want to be in your way.” To my despair, she nodded and said “that seems like the best option.”

Before this occurred, we had talked about things that tipped us off a bit about eachother. I had much to say, but I let her go first. Chivalry and all that. She stated “I really cant think of much… Like, I have no reason not to be happy with you, but I dont feel happy.” This is where I got concerned. I never did mention anything on my list, but I wasnt going to give up on anything to make things better… Not like she did.

The only way to face a situation like this, as far as I can tell, is to stay focused on yourself. If she isn’t willing to do for you what you did for her, just maybe you could be better off. Just maybe its Gods way of saying “No more distractions, go make something more of yourself.” There is a positive side in that mess. Shine the light on that positive point, and surely it will grow. Along with growth, comes more positive around it. Soon enough, you’ll be surrounded with a brighter outlook.

Your life needs you in it, and it needs your focus to stay actively positive. Its not easy, trust me. Lets sum up my thought process through my events really quick, and give an example.

Im about to lose my dream; an amazing girlfriend who I felt was wifey material, two amazing kids that I’ve sculpted into well-behaved young adults, and a house I’ve invested time and money into. Yeah, it sucks. But life goes on, and better opportunities will be there for me. Here’s another kicker. I’ve learned so much about parenthood, about myself, about home ownership, and a different culture! I became rich with knowledge, I became more self-aware, I became a better person. I take the loss as a win if you spin it the right way.

Now, I can go to school and get a degree. Now I’m a first time home owner, now I have more time for my friends and family. Of course, I’ll go see them when they ask me to, I’m not forgetting who got me to where I am. Ive grown attached to these kids. I care enough to see that they continue growing up well. I hold no hatred in my heart.

It will be hard to begin a new chapter in your life if you refuse to let the previous chapter end. Most stories finish with a happy ending. If this chapter sucks, rush to the end, and start the next. Its waiting for you, that chapter. It just needs your focus to get started.

In short, when life gets you down, keep looking up. There is positivity all around you, in many situations. Educate yourselves, and press onward through the struggles. There is an end to every tunnel, just keep focused on the path wih the light at the end.